him

I really do have better things to be doing with my time than thinking about you endlessly, but there we are. I can't quite figure out why I can't stop. I am constantly asking myself. 

As you know, that is my wont. Interrogate! 

I just have this intense need to see you. 

I've really been having the most marvellous time just having you around all week for months on end, and now I'm not really coping with this new world, where I literally don't see you. Agony! 

I keep having to remind myself to allow everything to be just as it is. 

Allow you to be totally bloody unavailable, allow myself to feel completely bloody mad. 

I'm consoling myself by reading what I have been writing about you. It's quite thrilling to remember all the deliciousness. Who knew that my creativity was so intrinsically bound up with my sexuality and passion. I mean some people knew. Clariss Pinkola Estes knows. You'll have to google that one. 

Just look over this blog with its posts about you, this is but a tiny sample. Sigh.

Several things happen when I allow everything to just be... 

I become a normal human sized woman

I return to a very mortal humility!

I wonder if you will let me love you, I'd really like to 

I do not know what form that love will take I am made of love, just let me 

I realise my happiness and self actualisation need to come first (not grand gestures I am so fond of imagining - that I equally would ruin everything and run off with you - that would be a lot of work on my part! Co-parenting?!)

I see that this is an opportunity for me to identify my needs - thanks for waking them up!

If I know what they are I can explore all the ways to get them met 

forty five! No fucking around, I want to eat all of life please 

I get excited about partnership with you and how thrilling that has felt

Maybe we should just work together  

love is the message 

I do not know what s going to happen 

I do not know and cannot predict what is going to happen 

I do not know what is going to happen 

It could be this, it could be that 

I do not know what is going to happen