bins

this hotel room is colourless without you in it. hunched over the desk in the most disconcerting fashion, with those awful glasses. I mean honestly, I am going to literally just get you some in a minute. You are so smart and stylish and you insist on staring up at me through those ridiculous bins. I love it. I'm giggling to myself as I write this. Hahaha. I can see you looking at me now in my head. You crack me up.

What on earth is it that you do to me. It's like I met another part of myself. I don't even get it. It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I feel like a teenage girl, that first flush of love. 

I wonder if I am overwhelming you, but then you are so kind to me and you tell me I am inspiring. 

And I feel responsible, because yes, I feel like this right now, and I suppose it must be dizzying, and a lot, to have someone like me, I know, I'm all boobs and red lipstick and power and laughter, I mean, I would be terrified of me, to have me turn those laser beams in your direction. I feel accountable, and responsible. And what if it fades, and you've got all these feelings for me, but you can't have me or own me or any of that. I belong to everybody.

I knew a married man once a long time ago, and I adored him for a moment. And i thought there were parallels here. But I think it's really a story about shame.

I 'seduced' him and then he said he was going to leave his wife and started mooning over me in a most unseemly manner and I was so grossed out I rejected it all, and the wife found out and threatened me, and they broke up.

And I was made to feel like the home wrecker. Like it was me, my power, my seduction abilities, my beauty, That was the cause of it all. And I attached a lot of shame to seduction. If that's even the right word for the unabashed expression of desire and sexuality. That's been a lot to carry. And there are touches of it here. I can feel myself minimising my power, as if I am at fault.

And I suppose when I look back I realise that seduction is like just a load of bullshit. Like I feel like I have all the power and all I have to do is move in a certain way and you will be overcome, as if you aren't also making choices. And the idea around seduction is that it's a power move, that women do it and men are helpless in the face of it. And it can really feel like that. And I really felt like that tonight, Like I could really have turned it on. Oh my god when you flirted with me, just that brief moment where you raised your eyebrows I nearly fainted. I nearly came just sat in my chair.

You have agency. I can turn it on, and you can choose.

Oh those beautiful eyes, and that mouth. Fuck me I just wanted to come round that table and sit on your lap/face. I'm dead.

I didn't really go in hard, I kinda wish I had. Like, fuck it, try and resist me. I'm not ashamed. 

I was giving you an easy time, treating you like a frightened kitten, looking after you. Fuck it, I do not have any mothering feelings towards you, I promise you that. I didn't really speak to it, but oh I wish I had. I still want you to tie me up and do unspeakable things to me. I will probably tell you that. I want this to be mischievous and filthy.

All day today, you're sitting there at the desk next to me with our colleagues in the other room and I just couldn't stop looking at your mouth.