are you sleeping brother?

I am in a murmur and meditation regarding a provocation reaching up from my insides to take a pilgrimage. to walk out of my door and begin a journey on foot to the north of England and up into Scotland along the historical route of the A1 and its predecessor Ermine Street. I'm not sure if modern life will permit me to make this trip all in one go, but perhaps that is the only way to ask some of the questions, and reveal some of the answers, that are bubbling up as I contemplate this project.

"we have to become fully activated human beings, every part of us, tremendously alive and ready to take charge”  Lewis Mumford

and...

are we asleep? http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/adamcurtis/entries/5a7b18b5-0ec3-3d3e-a307-54820a7c6a59 Adam Curtis, both his blog, and the amazing and inspiring film 'Bitter Lake'

so - my question:

what’s in your heart?

i’m asking whether you are asleep

I’m asking what you think your dream is, whether what we have come to believe is a reward that we are working towards is really coming, 

is it about pensions and security and retirement and reward for our years of service and blah

everything is so confusing now, and perhaps it’s because the system we trusted to provide the rewards keeps collapsing in on itself and those cracks are letting us see through the walls, like that film The Matrix. I love Tarkovsky so I'm down with Solaris being referenced throughout Bitter Lake.

addiction was my first wake up call

seems therapy has me in the throes of a second

I am asking you, I am asking myself

what does it mean to become fully realised as a human being, can the internal revolution provoke the external one?

i wonder if starting a TRA is my first step towards representing the views of my local community against the corporate elite. momentarily the very idea exhausted me. but like the abstinence-based recovery programme I give considerable amounts of time to, perhaps it will be equally invigorating.

am i really knackered? or am i just asleep?

apropos of nothing, Ben & I went to find the Thames lighthouse and along the way I saw this glowing fish. it's the most interesting image, of recent times, that I have in my vast collection of phone photographs, so, it's all yours.

x

A Confession

I took this photograph in the Lake District, it's pretty amazing, i'm going to print it and put it up on the wall and create a gallery of my work. exciting.

I consistently produce, I was going to say I don't, but there isn't a day goes by when I'm not taking a photograph of something. I've never failed to do that, instagram mainly, but it's all in there, still learning. I photographed a wedding in the summer and it was incredible what I captured, I felt like I have really learned something in all these years.

I remember back in the day, if you blogged you would have a pretty massive audience, back before Facebook, I had followers on my blog. I wrote a lot. People liked it, it seemed interesting, relevant, I liked it. Until I got trolled and quit - I didn't know what that was then - I just got sad and upset and didn't want to speak any more.

Now it's harder to get people to tune in, so much clamour, so I just pop in here from time to time and say a few things.

I've got my eye on the Joan Scheckel courses, I would like to make some more work, theatre, film, I don't know, something.

My current question is - is work in the way or am I? I still can't seem to find a bridge between things, I started a short film and my flat is in complete disarray while I wait for the 2nd day's shoot. In retrospect I don't think I would do that again! 2 days straight through, no loss of energy, the rest has to be done in the edit suite, and then you learn and move on.

So, that is kind of standing in my way at the moment, so many brilliant people's time and energy in a strange suspension, I think we will find the right moment to complete it. And I know I'd like to start a new project, I'd like to find a script. I thought about writing one but I feel like it is an insurmountable task! A whole new skillset that perhaps would be better left to someone who is actually already practiced.

I opened this little window just to get going, but I'm always in my own world, perhaps I could write form my own world, not the world I imagine is elsewhere, the world where 'writers' go.

Actually I read something today that was relevant - Tolstoy in 'A Confession' says "what do I know & what have I got to teach?" perhaps that is a good place to start.


p.s. tune of the day